Light at the End of the Tunnel

I haven't experienced the challenges of a 9 month pregnancy would completely feel like. I have felt early losses with pregnancy before, which is an emotional & physical trial of itself. As an eager couple yearning to start a family, we knew that adoption would be one option for us. But Boy, I had no clue that it would have it's own set of trials. I have been reserved to speak too much on this journey through adoption since it began as "fostering" and i didn't want to jinx anything. I think the most difficult part of fostering, especially if your initial intent is to adopt.... is the "trial of the UNKNOWN". Foster means you are a "caretaker" in the eyes of the law. We had to be in the mindset that the court's priority was to "reunify" with the biological parents, and we had to be compliant to allow visits with the parents if it were to be allowed. It was difficult for me to break out of the definition of "caretaker", and it has been barrier to a degree to allow the feelings of what it would be like a natural mother. It was difficult for me as a law abiding individual to sometimes counter the balance "to feel like a mom" and at the same time deal with monthly visits from the county, and letters stating "dear caretaker". It was a kind reminder that although we are "allowed" to embrace and care for this child, and had the settings to "feel like a family", we were not yet given the permission to legally be Mom and Dad. In the eyes of the law....As "caretakers" we had absolutely no rights, as the priority in the timeline was to "reunify" with biological parents/relatives. We had absolutely NO rights UNTIL parental rights were to be Terminated. So for 8 months, It's been the trial of the UNKNOWING. Should I get attached? There was always some possibility that she might get whisked away from our care I thought. Plus the transition to caring for an older infant on the brink of toddlerdom was definitely a challenge as a first time "mother". Feelings of inadequacy, feelings of potential threat of another form of loss, questions of am I her mom or a pretend mom? Or am I just what the law says that I am..."A caretaker". It's been a trial of emotions...it's been a downright Tug of WAR of Identity. I'm at ease to say that It's almost been 9 months since EMILY has been placed in our home. YES her name is Emily. EMILY!!! I can shout it out comfortably because for the past 8 months and visits from the social worker I had to acknowledge that her name was "Ryanne". She is our EMILY......because on 1/12/10, Parental rights were FINALLY terminated! Emotional burden was definitely lifted from my shoulders... Now there is just the standard 60 days contesting period, but We have prospective adoptive & De-facto parental rights, which gives us a little more leverage in Emily's court hearings. We just signed our application for adoption finalization. There is LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL NOW. I can finally see the adoption coming! Hopefully in the next few months! Now that I have the Bureaucracy Monkey somewhat off my back now, I can feel comfortable with sharing some more photos of our DAUGHTER :)