It's been awhile

It's been a long time since I've posted....not sure if blogging has become obsolete, but mainly time has passed very quickly with life producing a lot of lemonade vs throwing lemons. I think I've been through enough heartache over the years, that I feel much better prepared to handle curve balls thrown my way. First the lemonade....
Our adoption of our 2nd daughter......it had been the most incredible and faith building journey for us. The lesson I got is to trust in our Heavenly Father in all might and soul as he knows what path he has carved for you. It was a lesson on Faith because even in adoption...there are no guarantees.  In the end...we were given the greatest blessing...to be parents of a newborn baby. Fast forward 14 months later...she is the best thing to have complimented our family since our first daughter who is 5 years older.
Now the lemon curve ball- we've pretty much decided that I can't physically have children...or at least it's Stinkin impossible due to my severe endometriosis.  Nonetheless. ..even so and with high tech treatment...I couldn't hold a pregnancy down.  So to keep my evil endometriosis at bay...I had taken birth control pills to prevent my debilitating pain. It was great for the past 3 years or so until I started having dumb hot flashes. Hot flashes are horrible and I consulted with my doc and to determine the root of these annoying hot flashes...I decided to go off them. Never in my wildest dream that this decision could be life threatening for me. Life threatening? Yes. ..life threatening.  Apparently I thought I was experiencing a  resurgence of vengeance from aunt flo due to being off the pill...but it turns out that this was not so. Not a thought crossed my mind to the possibility of pregnancy. ..but after last week's personal debacle of pain and passing out...Emergency room doctors said I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and immediately wheeled me into the Operation Room Stat as I was internally bleeding to death. With a quick blessing from my hubby and a friend from church. ..I was whisked away. In the OR...I lost 2 liters of blood. ..and a fallopian tube that had been obliterated by this ectopic pregnancy.  Who knew that this would occur during infertility and pregnancy loss awareness Month. Anyway. ..all I can say...I'm blessed to be alive....to be able to hold my daughters a little tighter. However. ..I'm left to learn from this...that is why my mind is awake at 230 in the morning.  I feel like I moved on...but this is like an earthquake in my life. I feel I just need to be prepared for anything...because I don't know what heavenly father has in store for me...and for our family.  I was not prepared for any pregnancy.  I didn't expect it. Now I guess I have to prepare just in case it happens I suppose? Sigh...anyway. I feel content with having just my 2 girls.  I just don't know what's in store for our future.

Adoption Roller Coaster Ride

We have been elated that when we decided to adopt again and after a few short weeks of being "chosen" by a birthmother to be adoptive parents to her child that will be due in August...I couldn't help but feel so lucky.  We were warned though, to hold onto our seats.  For our love for this future baby girl, I should have known it would be without it's ups or downs either.

We had decided to go with an adoption facilitator that focuses on adoptions with birthmothers that are in situations that are difficult.  Whether these women are abused and have nowhere to turn to, or if these women are incarcerated.....  They carry these spirits in them, and where others may turn their cheek the other way, We couldn't help realize the importance for these potential spirits to have a chance. This adoption facilitator helps these women and ineveitably the babies they carry.  They provide them with shelter, food and transportation to pre-natal care.  They provide an opportunity for the babies they carry to be placed in loving homes. Sometimes these babies can be exposed to things like drugs...however, such spirits still deserve a chance to grow and experience life.  With early intervention and the right environment, there is definitely a chance. 

After being chosen and going through this private adoption agency, I thought wow...this is too easy.  After a couple weeks of celebration....then I realized that life has no guarantees obviously.  Worse case scenarios could be failed adoption, disrupted adoption....all those negative but POSSIBLE scenarios. When you have a birthmother who becomes MIA...you can't help begin to worry.  At this point, what we have been dealing with is definitely movie worthy, it's almost comical.  However, despite the "I can't Believe what's happening right now" type feelings that we are currently dealing with....there is still a sense of compassion for such people that only live the only way they know how....living on the edge.  It's crazy, it's sad, and it's depressing...but yet, I go back to the simple teachings of how Christ would approach these people who live their lives like this.  I cannot judge them...I can only have compassion for them and pray they can get their lives on track.  Right now,  my heart is heavy for the baby that is still growing, I can't imagine the challenges she faces, and she doesn't have a choice to control it. 
To Sum up....Life is without challenges....especially when starting a family.  Our family trials involve the pursuit of having a family on this earth.  We have definitely experienced the ups and downs of infertility and pain the last 7 years. We also experienced the ups and downs of fostering with intent to adopt...waiting pins and needles for our daughter to be elgible for adoption after a year and half as foster "caretakers" ("Caretakers" as a tongue and cheek way of how Child Care Services perceive foster parents)  was definitely a roller coaster in itself.

  I often think of how I wish it could be easy for us.  Many times I have felt the inadequacy of not being able to be a Mother biologically.  Many times I have felt the inadequacy of not being able to bond naturally.  As a  human, I have felt emotional pain, felt my human tendencies to criticize myself to find fault in my shortcomings as something as divine as motherhood....That sometimes this false and negative feelings become real...like I wasn't meant to be a mom. I mean...we've tried the latest medical advancements with IVF procedures.  SURE...that would definitely work.  Despite such advances and costs of the procedures, unfortunately it didn't work out for us. Ultimately, Doctors aren't Gods. With Emily, it wasn't without it's challenges either.  It's the "no you are just caretakers" and "No you can't call her what you can call her unless adoption is finalized"  A year and a half of the unknown of whether or not your little one that you are caring for could be legally "ours" was very Emotional. Yes, I admit it, I'm Human with mortal shortcomings with a Self-protection of seeing the glass half empty to protect myself for the worse. I couldn't bond with my daughter until I knew our adoption was finalized. It was amazing how much emotional anguish was gently released off my shoulders when that day finally came. 

 Now we are on another crazy rollercoaster ride of FAITH and love for an unborn child and compassion for a birthmother that I wish and hope can rebuild her life.  I have faith whatever Heavenly Father wants for us, there are reasons why people are placed in our lives, there are reasons why people go through trials the way they do.  Motherhood is loving one another, having compassion for those around us, especially those who live without faith and without god, and those who go against what Heavenly father wants us to be. We can't forget that they exist around us.  We have that responsibility to be an example for these spirits and I know that I can fulfill that responsibility the best that I can.

Life is Short

This is our beloved cat Domino.  We had to face the heartbreaking decision to put him to sleep after he endured a lot of pain and was given a poor prognosis to live. Anyone who has a pet that is special to them knows that they are not just animals, they are part of family.  Essentially, Domino has been our first "Fur Baby" since Jason and I married 13+ years ago.  He's been with us near the beginning when Jason and I were just dating...so technically he has been in our lives for nearly 16 1/2 years(He was approximately 84 years old in cat years.) Those are a lot of years, a lot of Memories.  He has made an undelible mark in our family history, and he is one special cat.  So don't poke fun of us if you don't have animals and don't understand, or think "He's just a cat".  He is an Extraordinary Feline thank you very much, and he definitely has been very loyal.  I'm going to leave Jason to write his story because that's a major part of why this cat has been so special.  I just wanted express my feelings as to...well, I guess it's my way of coping.

 

Domino has many aliases.  He is also known as Dommie, Bubbs, Bubba Cat, Bubbaloo, Cowboy.  I always like to call him "Bubbs" because he was my bubbs.  I don't know what Bubbs means, but it's a cutesy cat owner lingo of LOVE....Lol.  The thing is, Domino was a tender mercy for us.  We've had difficulty starting a family, and this little animal was our first cat to fill the void of childlessness. He showed love through the soft purring sounds, the head graze to our hands, the little rub against the leg.  He awoke us and put his furry face in our faces in the morning to tell us he is hungry...and leads us to his empty plate...by looking back after a couple of stride lengths to ensure we were following him. He made us laugh with his simple enjoyment with playing with a foam ball.  He loved his foam soccer balls and you can hear him meowing with it in his mouth it's hilarious.  Here take a look for yourself:

 



 He was compassionate, and he knew when I wasn't feeling well.  I had my wisdom teeth pulled at one time, and I was feeling completely paralyzed and sick from the anesthesia as well as vicodin...and I just had a pillow over my head.  All of the sudden I see this cute black and white kitty face peaking underneath the pillow...like he was checking on me.  He then curled and laid next to me...keeping me company that evening. I guess what i'm saying, is that I think we underestimate the abilities of what cats/animals can do for us.  They can teach us about love, responsibility, compassion, loyalty, and trust.  Definitely these are attributes that one can learn from.  The big lesson with Domino's passing is that it happened so quickly.  It was only about 2-3 weeks where we noticed a difference in Domino's behavior. Usually when a cat is sick, they will isolate themselves.  Domino had done that a week or 2 ago.  We knew he was old, and odds were against him, but of course we chose to be responsible and seek a diagnosis just to make sure we are dotting our i's and crossing our t's. We didn't want to make the decision to end his life if he had a chance.  Unfortunately, it was his time. He spent his last night and morning with us at home....but he chose to curl next to us in bed. Since being sick, his new normal routine was isolating himself in the other room on his window perch, or he would sleep at the foot of the bed.  Nope, he chose to curl next to us. Also, prior to his death, we had been playing Hawaiian music...as he always seemed to enjoy it.  He first was injected with a sedation to make him sleepy. But the 2nd injection was the final one to put him to sleep....I couldn't bear to be there.  Jason was there, and he said that right when the vet called his time of death, the music on the Pandora station stopped playing.  I came back up, said my tearful goodbye as we prepared domino and put him in the special box Jason made for him.  When Jason nailed the lid on his box...the Hawaiian Music resumed.  That definitely was a tender mercy...and I know I felt a few of those after my dad passed too.  There is no explanation or logic, just special moments of comfort.

 

As I look back, and see all the memories, the happiness and joy Domino has brought to our family, I realize that he has fulfilled his purpose here.  The simple life lesson is that Life is Short...and how we choose to live it for good and righteous ways, or for careless, apathetic ways.  Domino chose to bring love and happiness into our lives for almost 17 years. Simple as that.  I do believe he is frolicking and hanging out with loved ones in heaven.....enjoying all the catnip he wants.  He will be missed but never forgotten.