Adoption Roller Coaster Ride

We have been elated that when we decided to adopt again and after a few short weeks of being "chosen" by a birthmother to be adoptive parents to her child that will be due in August...I couldn't help but feel so lucky.  We were warned though, to hold onto our seats.  For our love for this future baby girl, I should have known it would be without it's ups or downs either.

We had decided to go with an adoption facilitator that focuses on adoptions with birthmothers that are in situations that are difficult.  Whether these women are abused and have nowhere to turn to, or if these women are incarcerated.....  They carry these spirits in them, and where others may turn their cheek the other way, We couldn't help realize the importance for these potential spirits to have a chance. This adoption facilitator helps these women and ineveitably the babies they carry.  They provide them with shelter, food and transportation to pre-natal care.  They provide an opportunity for the babies they carry to be placed in loving homes. Sometimes these babies can be exposed to things like drugs...however, such spirits still deserve a chance to grow and experience life.  With early intervention and the right environment, there is definitely a chance. 

After being chosen and going through this private adoption agency, I thought wow...this is too easy.  After a couple weeks of celebration....then I realized that life has no guarantees obviously.  Worse case scenarios could be failed adoption, disrupted adoption....all those negative but POSSIBLE scenarios. When you have a birthmother who becomes MIA...you can't help begin to worry.  At this point, what we have been dealing with is definitely movie worthy, it's almost comical.  However, despite the "I can't Believe what's happening right now" type feelings that we are currently dealing with....there is still a sense of compassion for such people that only live the only way they know how....living on the edge.  It's crazy, it's sad, and it's depressing...but yet, I go back to the simple teachings of how Christ would approach these people who live their lives like this.  I cannot judge them...I can only have compassion for them and pray they can get their lives on track.  Right now,  my heart is heavy for the baby that is still growing, I can't imagine the challenges she faces, and she doesn't have a choice to control it. 
To Sum up....Life is without challenges....especially when starting a family.  Our family trials involve the pursuit of having a family on this earth.  We have definitely experienced the ups and downs of infertility and pain the last 7 years. We also experienced the ups and downs of fostering with intent to adopt...waiting pins and needles for our daughter to be elgible for adoption after a year and half as foster "caretakers" ("Caretakers" as a tongue and cheek way of how Child Care Services perceive foster parents)  was definitely a roller coaster in itself.

  I often think of how I wish it could be easy for us.  Many times I have felt the inadequacy of not being able to be a Mother biologically.  Many times I have felt the inadequacy of not being able to bond naturally.  As a  human, I have felt emotional pain, felt my human tendencies to criticize myself to find fault in my shortcomings as something as divine as motherhood....That sometimes this false and negative feelings become real...like I wasn't meant to be a mom. I mean...we've tried the latest medical advancements with IVF procedures.  SURE...that would definitely work.  Despite such advances and costs of the procedures, unfortunately it didn't work out for us. Ultimately, Doctors aren't Gods. With Emily, it wasn't without it's challenges either.  It's the "no you are just caretakers" and "No you can't call her what you can call her unless adoption is finalized"  A year and a half of the unknown of whether or not your little one that you are caring for could be legally "ours" was very Emotional. Yes, I admit it, I'm Human with mortal shortcomings with a Self-protection of seeing the glass half empty to protect myself for the worse. I couldn't bond with my daughter until I knew our adoption was finalized. It was amazing how much emotional anguish was gently released off my shoulders when that day finally came. 

 Now we are on another crazy rollercoaster ride of FAITH and love for an unborn child and compassion for a birthmother that I wish and hope can rebuild her life.  I have faith whatever Heavenly Father wants for us, there are reasons why people are placed in our lives, there are reasons why people go through trials the way they do.  Motherhood is loving one another, having compassion for those around us, especially those who live without faith and without god, and those who go against what Heavenly father wants us to be. We can't forget that they exist around us.  We have that responsibility to be an example for these spirits and I know that I can fulfill that responsibility the best that I can.